I weighed today for the first time in weeks. I have gained most of my lost weight back. Judging from how I felt and how my clothes fit, I thought maybe, generous-mindedly, I had gained back 5-6 pounds. No problem. Hell, I used to be able to lurk on a few weight loss groups and think really hard and lose five pounds. I could take a fluid pill and lose five pounds. Five pounds was nothing.
Nope. Almost all of it is back.
I ate too many crackers, too much bread, too many cheats and I got too confident.
But why? What do I remember about the last month that was different from the two months before?
We got a ton of snow. I am talking 3-4 feet of snow after we had just melted away a foot of snow. Snow makes me feel disabled and isolated. I am afraid to walk in the snow. I am terrified of falling down. My bad knee in particular causes me to feel fragile. It took a beating during my week in Scotland, but felt better within a day or so of being home and resting. Walking in the snow or on ice, however, I feel very vulnerable. The central heating in our house is going out and does not work well, so I am always, forever, cold. I feel like I never stop being cold.
I published my pride and joy, also known as “Iris of Avalon,” the fourth book in the Daughters of Avalon series. I worked my ass off on that book. Hours and hours and hours a day of writing and editing and rewriting and researching and plot pacing. It was a month late to publication and I did not review the book when I got it back from the proofreaders. I just submitted it for publication, celebrated, and relaxed. At last, the book was done and I could turn my mind to other projects I had pushed away in favor of completing this one.
Two weeks after publication, I got a review on Amazon that said it was full of typos. I was and I am completely mortified by this. Those reviews do not go away. I pulled the book from publication and sent it to a different editor for polishing. A week later – which is a hell of a turnaround on such a project – the editor got it back to me and it is now again going through the review process for publication and should be available in a day or so. I was so saddened by this and I still feel profound embarrassment over it.
A week ago last Friday on January 20, Eric went to work as usual and by 9 AM, the investors in the solar company for which he is the licensed contractor informed him that they no longer require his services and just like that, he no longer had a job. When he phoned and told me I needed to come pick him up in Sacramento (he drove a company vehicle), my immediate reaction was joy. I missed him being at home with me as he had been for fourteen months between the time he left his job at the Veteran’s Administration and the time he started this one. I knew he had other opportunities available and, in fact, he had two job offers before he even left Sacramento that day. He is marketable. We have enough to live on for now, but I tightened up the budget tremendously.
He asked me often how I felt about this change and I truthfully told him I am happy to have him with me, happy to have him back in our shop full time, and optimistic about the future. He has several indicators that all will be well. In knee jerk reaction to losing a primary income, however, I feel a clenching in my gut and a bit of breathlessness. I did not tell him that part (and he never reads anything I write, so he will not see this). I cannot show any sign that I feel anything but positive about his/our prospects or the whole house of cards topples. Jenga stops being a tower and turns into a pile.
I went to the dentist, which is always traumatic for me for reasons best left in the dark, dark closet. Suffice it to say that I have to borrow the balls of others to even get in the chair. The work on one tooth, in which I have no pain at all, has a co-pay of just under $1000. Another one, that is a bit tender, requires a consult with his dearest friend (apparently), a root canal “specialist,” who will then decide if it needs a root canal (please google and read respectable resources on the latest findings on the relationship of root canals and a host of other medical problems) or just a filling. That then decides the copay of that tooth. All of that is separate and apart from the deep root cleaning he wants to do and he recommends that since I have dental anxiety, I purchase the sedation that is $599 and not covered by insurance.
That is just me, then there is Nathan who he literally said, “has a cavity in nearly every tooth that he has” and then decided, “maybe only 4-5, but I will not know for sure until after he has a basic cleaning.” Oh and of course, Nathan needs to see our friend, the root canal specialist, for two of his teeth as well.
Talk about grabbing me by two insecurities at once (dental and finances) and twisting all those borrowed balls.
When it snows up here, it rains in Roseville where my shop is located. Over the past month, the rain has been a monsoon, complete with flooding in the area. Because my shop is located in a historical 70-year-old swap meet, weather is a factor. Sure, I have an actual shop in an actual building, but the entire rest of the swap meet is open air and people are disinclined to walk through a typhoon to get to me. That means December and January were a struggle in regard to overhead.
I have a blessed life, don’t get me wrong. I love my life. I love what I do. I am happier now than I have ever been in my entire life. I am strong in nearly all areas of my life but so very weak in this one. In the past month, I have been hungrier than I can remember in forever. Not just appetite, but HUNGRY. HARD cravings, deep aching in my belly, shaking like a hypoglycemic. I wake up in the night hungry. I eat and I am hungry a half hour later. This is despite getting plenty of good fats and good proteins. I have trouble eating salads and raw veggies in cold weather, but I do eat cooked ones.
I caved to it. I had too many soothing comfort foods and today, I had to face the result of that.
I cannot likely lose the weight I just gained in one day, although a win would really help my morale. Today, I did Leslie Sansone’s “Walk Away the Pounds” and added five pound weights. I took Garcinia Cambogia and Weight Loss 4 (since Weight Loss 4 does not have the maximum dosage of Garcinia Cambogia). I get plenty of sleep. I drink plenty of water and other fluids.
My heart hurts at this setback and the accountability lies solely with me. Eric was and is so supportive of my progress and was so very proud of me. He did bring up the change. He asked if I was still on track and I told him something like, “Not like I would like to be.” He said he knew I was struggling and that he really enjoyed my progress when it was happening and knew it would happen again. He asked if there was anything he could do to better support me in this.
All I have to do is let go of my death grip on the breads and processed carbs, cut way back on the potatoes, and completely shun the treats. That’s it. Just do that and I will be back where I was again and on the right track.
Just do those things.